.. a year in the past, forever in the future.

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of our first date. I can't say I haven't been dramatically thinking of it, daydreaming if you will, trying to hastily remember the day. Your Craigslist Missed Connection to me jogged my memory and it'd be a lie to say I didn't fight back tears while reading it. A sweet gesture, but a shallow and empty one at that. Too little, too late. That's an understatement if I've ever seen.. it's more like much too little, and much too late, in the very least.

I'm not so sure if I'll ever again feel the way I did about you with someone else and that is a double-edged sword in the broadest sense. I've never been so attracted, intrigued and immersed in someone as I was with you. On the contrary, I've never wanted, wished, hoped and even prayed for the implosion of someone's life and well being as I did for you. I've never wanted to smash a bottle and stab the tiniest shards deep into the innards of a throat more than I have wished to do to you, making sure each piece had no way of escaping.. sort of like all the painful memories of being mistreated, abused, taken advantage of and belittled. My only saving grace within this train of thought is that I know, for sure, someone will love me more than you did. And I know, for sure, I'll embrace it with my whole being.. the way I've always done.

My memories of you have become vacant and distant. For awhile, I relentlessly saw you everywhere, figuratively, of course. As much as it was nice to reminisce of cliche good times, it was also painful that certain songs, city views and jokes harbored you within them.. between the melodies, grids of houses and bellowing laughter. As time progresses, I now realize that I'm starting to forget you in a very good way. Truth be told, I scarcely remember you. Ryan Adams' menacing voice and choruses keep my solo drives company and fill my small suv with memories of the SouthWest. The beautiful view of Buffalo from my roof is no longer screaming of you.. instead, it echoes of good times with even better friends. Jokes, well, certain jokes can't be replaced.. but, in all honesty, you've become the biggest one.

So much has drastically changed in a year. What a shitstorm. What a whirlwind of emotions. I can't say I've ever felt so broken, battered, torn and down.. but in the same sense, I feel like I'm the tiniest bit stronger. Just a tiny bit, nothing elaborate or completely life altering or devastatingly wonderful. Nothing of that sort at all. Yet. Just a little bit stronger, and that's okay. I suppose it's more than okay.

Lessons learned. Tough lessons learned.

I'm entirely grateful for leaving 99.9% of my baggage scattered throughout Nevada.. strewn about Utah.. littered in Colorado and moderately displaced between every state and the New York state line. I feel like this is the end and a great beginning is upon every horizon I decide to view. Best feeling ever.