I can't help but feel like I've gotten (accepted?) the short end of the stick. It really bums me out knowing a lot of other people got the carefree, fun, charming, adventurous and endearing boyfriend. I really wish all of his ex girlfriends didn't fuck him up so bad.. because, as selfish as it sounds, now I'm the one that has to put up with it. :/

Every so often I find myself drifting off to some daydream.. it's entire content is hazy and I'm unsure of the semantics, but, overall, the outcome and realization I end up at is always the same.. what made some individuals give up on me? I'd like to say it's socially or in a friendly manner, but frequently I think of it in regards to matters of the romantic heart. What happened? Secretly, I'd love to know. I'd be satisfied superficially with the repetitive and mundane whowhatwherewhen. Even more discretely, I'd be interested in the real gossip. The real juice. The real fucking deal. I guess, not so secretly, I'd like to save face and pretend my past were no longer part of my present and a distant, very distant, landmark in the map of my future. Very, very secretly I'd love to receive anonymous handwritten letters detailing whatwherehowwhen I went wrong.

Part of me would like to think that I was thought of as one of those birds that can't be caged. You know the type. I guess I've only seen the type on Lifetime movies featured Sunday nights after 9pm. Or maybe an occasional Sex and the City episode when Carry Bradshaw isn't fornicating with Manolo Blahniks.

Maybe I don't want to know. No, I don't think I want to know.

I've had ants in my pants since I've cemented plans for Boston. I can't wait to get the hell out of Buffalo (and it's been quite some time since I've mulled that idea over in my head and actually meant it). After receiving a very mom-esque pep talk from Steph, I made a few arrangements at school and I am two classes away from an Art Therapy degree. Fuck yes. Plus, there is a really good Art Therapy Graduate school in Boston. Finally, all the little cracks are mending and the holes in my life are filling up with good things. I can't say everything is perfect, but everything is far from awful and that's just the way I like it.

My dad came up for the weekend and it was the first time I've seen him genuinely smile in forever. I had so much fun with him Friday night. Seeing him interact with Joe and my good friends, my Buffalo family, was heartwarming and I'm very grateful for that. Plus, having him respond to every question with ".. Because I'm Tony, the most funnest mother fucker to walk this earth" was a goddamn riot.

I'm so so so sleepy, but haven't slept for a consecutive 8 hours in awhile. Hopefully tonight!

I feel as though my little heart is breaking lately. No specific reason or wrong doing, just things.

If I could, I would keep Nicky in a bubble forever. I'm scared that one day I'll come home and he'll be gone. And I'm not sure which gone I'm talking about. And I'm not sure which gone is worse. (Right now I am semi-watching Joe and him play NHL and I'm very thankful for Joe in our lives. For the first time in a long time, Nick's actually smiling and laughing and Obama fist bumping.)

I got really sad about Marley not being here today. I thought it might be a good idea to youtube some videos of border collies. It was kind of a bad idea because I cried like a goddamn baby for 12 min. while watching the same video over and over set to the tune of "You've got a friend in me".

Oh my.