School started. I got the usual horrible stomach pains and panic attack before I went. I hate those feelings that you just can't shake. I think I'm one big ball of nostalgia.. lipgloss, scarves, certain songs and smells.. they all induce a flood of memories. Some fantastic, some bad. But I suppose I just associate going to Buffstate with living on Norwood. I remember digging my car out of my parking spot only to not be able to find parking in lot G or whatever. I remember fighting with Dave and almost running him over with my car in front of the garbage men. I vividly recall coming home with my feet full of salt and stinging from mother nature's December wrath, crawling into bed with Peterbilt and sobbing because my walls were too white. Maybe I need to forget.. as Nick told me tonight.. "you either forget about it, or you kill them." I should probably start killing the memories i can't forget.
I haven't talked to Scott lately. Hm, I mean, that's probably a good thing. I'd like to be friends. He comes home in a week. I, truly, don't even know what to say about the matter. Oh well. Oh FUCKING well. I just hope he doesn't come home and try to fuck up my life when he can escape to California in four days and be okay with the sunshine.. all the while I am left here to pick up pieces and attempt to fit them together like a puzzle. I think I'm realizing now that he's secretly taking those pieces so that I'm awkwardly disoriented and bitter and bruised and left with a puzzle that's lacking a crucial corner piece.
I keep deleting a sentence I so desperately want to let out. I'm fucking terrified. My body is not right as of late. A test says no, weeks later I am saying.. what the fuck. This can't happen. I hope it doesn't happen. Wow, I'm an irresponsible asshole.
I don't want to jinx things in another situation. I feel like I'm at the point where I pick out flaws, dwell on them even, let them marinate into a part of my brain that will never forget. That way, you're not perfect anymore. You're not.. to be honest.. exactly what I've been wanting/needing/looking for at the moment. Moment? More like forever. I have never been this nervous or uneasy or tedious about love. I think I'm just scared. I know I'm extremely terrified. I came to HATE who I was in a relationship. I wasn't fun. I wasn't smiling. I wasn't the girl everyone adored. Have I gotten back to that point where friends, just friends, want to fill every moment with me? Maybe. I look through my cell phone's inbox/outbox/missed call logs and see multiple names of individuals I adore. A few years back it would be just 3 people, tops. I was miserable. I don't want that to subside. I don't want to lose me. I haven't even known me in awhile.
Maybe I should just pick up a paintbrush and some oil paints and figure out who I was and am.
I.. just.. don't want to hurt anyone ever.
I'm scared people are going to start giving up on me soon.
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