This is just a bullshit/clearing my mind entry.

School started. I got the usual horrible stomach pains and panic attack before I went. I hate those feelings that you just can't shake. I think I'm one big ball of nostalgia.. lipgloss, scarves, certain songs and smells.. they all induce a flood of memories. Some fantastic, some bad. But I suppose I just associate going to Buffstate with living on Norwood. I remember digging my car out of my parking spot only to not be able to find parking in lot G or whatever. I remember fighting with Dave and almost running him over with my car in front of the garbage men. I vividly recall coming home with my feet full of salt and stinging from mother nature's December wrath, crawling into bed with Peterbilt and sobbing because my walls were too white. Maybe I need to forget.. as Nick told me tonight.. "you either forget about it, or you kill them." I should probably start killing the memories i can't forget.

I haven't talked to Scott lately. Hm, I mean, that's probably a good thing. I'd like to be friends. He comes home in a week. I, truly, don't even know what to say about the matter. Oh well. Oh FUCKING well. I just hope he doesn't come home and try to fuck up my life when he can escape to California in four days and be okay with the sunshine.. all the while I am left here to pick up pieces and attempt to fit them together like a puzzle. I think I'm realizing now that he's secretly taking those pieces so that I'm awkwardly disoriented and bitter and bruised and left with a puzzle that's lacking a crucial corner piece.

I keep deleting a sentence I so desperately want to let out. I'm fucking terrified. My body is not right as of late. A test says no, weeks later I am saying.. what the fuck. This can't happen. I hope it doesn't happen. Wow, I'm an irresponsible asshole.

I don't want to jinx things in another situation. I feel like I'm at the point where I pick out flaws, dwell on them even, let them marinate into a part of my brain that will never forget. That way, you're not perfect anymore. You're not.. to be honest.. exactly what I've been wanting/needing/looking for at the moment. Moment? More like forever. I have never been this nervous or uneasy or tedious about love. I think I'm just scared. I know I'm extremely terrified. I came to HATE who I was in a relationship. I wasn't fun. I wasn't smiling. I wasn't the girl everyone adored. Have I gotten back to that point where friends, just friends, want to fill every moment with me? Maybe. I look through my cell phone's inbox/outbox/missed call logs and see multiple names of individuals I adore. A few years back it would be just 3 people, tops. I was miserable. I don't want that to subside. I don't want to lose me. I haven't even known me in awhile.

Maybe I should just pick up a paintbrush and some oil paints and figure out who I was and am.

I.. just.. don't want to hurt anyone ever.

I'm scared people are going to start giving up on me soon.

I feel like absolute SHIT lately.

My body is slowly, but surely shutting down. I need my tonsils out, but I have no insurance.. I am probably going to get fired from the Thruway.. especially since today I ate some "free" fried chicken and my boss screamed at me because I didn't put forth money for Dave's dad's retirement party, which apparently was based solely on fried chicken consumption. Hm, pretty sure I owe him nothing and can help myself to free fried chicken at his expense. Oh well, any situation negative or positive there would be a boost in a non-stagnant direction that I desperately need.

I've gotten close to really weird people lately. Weird in a good way. A weird comfort level that I've accepted with open arms.

I'm glad Nick is here to pick me up when I am literally freaking out. When my thoughts are racing through my mind like Olympic sprinters going for gold. Thoughts of Dave's cancer, Scott, Chris yelling, stupid band girls and band boys that made it through hell to only force a billion fake smiles, stupid infidelity and shots upon shots bought from a boy that couldn't care less. Stupid girls in gigantic high heels that want nothing more than to push towards the bar and fill up on calories of liquor that will compensate for their lack of calories at lunch. I hope I'm not bitter.

I think I should hibernate again. But just not get chubby this time. I guess I just need to paint and get healthy and fix my mental shit that I've been putting off. Seriously.. if seeing Andrew sing songs about cancer can fuck me up that bad, then I'm not okay yet.

Jack's Mannequin/Andrew McMahon make me miss high school. I'm glad I got to talk to Paul. I miss him. It's nice that sending him a video of "Punk Rock Princess" acoustic can open up a whole can of mutual worms full of love.

I miss Stephanie.

P.S. Politics are fucked up.

My sister is going to jail soon.

If I could go in her place, I would in less than a heartbeat.

My life, our lives, everyone's lives are in shambles.

I've felt really numb for the last few days just thinking about her.

I'm terrified for when I stop feeling numb and start to feel.

As much as I hope someone is there to pick me up and hug me and tell me they love me, I really hope I'll be able to do some of it myself.

I've been trying to be strong for her, but I feel like she's realizing I was never the strong one in the family. I never really could be the strong one as hard as I tried.

I feel silly for always talking about boys. But sometimes I just enjoy talking about the petty things in life that don't matter and never will matter in retrospect. It's better than talking about this. It's better than talking about what's consuming my mind lately.

I want Nick to come home. I want Stephanie to come home. I want Sara's cramps to get a grip!

I don't care who sleeps next to me in my bed anymore, I just don't want to sleep in this apartment alone and have nightmares each night.