No one really respects me anymore.

There is a fucking stripper in my living room because my brother's friend "is having a rough time." I am locked up in my room like fucking Anne Frank because I don't want to see some skeezy broad with a goddamn c-section scar and full-on methface in a g-string grinding all up on my Raymour and Flannigan arm chair. Jesus fucking christ.

Seriously, what the fuck.

I am basically failing out of school, struggling to pay bills, selling shit to get extra money.. and now this. FUCKING THIS.

OH MY GOD.

I am moving to a one bedroom or studio. I want to be all by myself. All alone.

All of a sudden I am extremely parched and can't even go in the kitchen because some flappy vagina is going to be in my goddamn face before I make it to the Brita filter.

Motherfucker. Seriously. I am about to lose it.

Well, once in awhile I see an old friend..
But if we climb on each other we'll just sink right in.
Well, I don't know, but it seems to me..
Everybody gots lots to say.
What are words to me?

As we climb on each other, the air is getting thin..
I start to look, but I just.. drift off.. again.
Ohh, in and out of another day,
Lord, stumbling to find my way.
And all of these beliefs that I hold so dear..
How do they escape my skin..
Whenever you're not near.

It's got something to do with sitting still.
And if you're glass ain't pouring,
You might not get your fill.
And if you're not always climbing and want more,
I guess you'll think to yourself..
You just slip through the floor.

You can't catch flies with vinegar. I can't seem to catch flies with sugar. Consequentially, everyone wants to be part of something theatrical and when the curtain is closed, I seem to find out who the true actors and actresses are. Hmph.

Court's sister had her baby! I am so excited for little Ethan and Lola to be cute, smelly babies together.

This Spring is looking promising. Nice weather, great adventures, summer classes, Nicky and I on the move. Hopefully babies, puppies and love will be sprinkled into the mix of my life, too.

I'm scared for Laura to go to jail soon. I promised her I would take Ethan. Foster care is a fucking joke and I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't. I can't shake the feeling that my life is changing. I mean, of course it is. Company-wise, lifestyle-wise, friend-wise. Good thing I'm not a creature of habit. I can't help but find solace in the fact that the individuals I've known for over 10 years have become my Buffalo family. I don't know what I would do without them.

P.S. For awhile, I started to feel like the girl we all used to talk shit about, but hug to her face. It's starting to wane, but I absolutely hate that feeling.

Wooo 2009.. you're a real riot. Let me tell you.

Congratulations to everyone on their happy bullshit engagements.

Everyone is flaunting gorgeous princess cut diamonds and here I am bitter and buzzed.

I want to go back to my old self that didn't give a shit about much of anything. The drunk, stumbly me that once graced La Luna's dance floor like a 21st century Joni Mitchell.

What the fuck happened to me? Part of me has been avoiding every friend ever because I feel like a dumb failure. Year 4.5 at Buffstate and I am nowhere near a degree. I look at all my semesters and see ghosts of other people's problems on my transcripts.

I'm sad that I have/had a drinking problem. I'm sad that one drink was never enough and one too many drinks made things okay. I'm sad that I thought holding and squeezing Ethan would make me feel better and make me forget. I just want to be drunk forever. I just want to forget everything.

We're in an economic crisis and all I can think of is Half and Half's Spring line. Woe is me.

I just have to get a few things off my chest..

I really like Obama. Not just that he looks good in a bathing suit, but I also like his views and what a busy little bee he has been these last few days.

And I was watching Channel 7 News (don't judge, my Channel 4 comes in scrambled) and what the fuck is up with all these anti-abortion protesters? I mean, don't get me wrong.. everyone has the "right" to an opinion.. but MEN protesting to have a choice on WOMEN'S rights pertaining to their own vagina-booby-female bodies? Get a fucking life, dude. Actually, worry about your wiener and what your probably really oppressed housewife is going to make you for dinner.

I'm usually pretty open-minded about things, but I just don't get it.. I don't get how people can whine whine whine and put so much energy into something they've probably never had to deal with. Why don't they try "going green" or something more constructive?

Fuck.

For the last 3 days I've felt like I was dying. Debilitating migraines that leave me hallucinating and bed-ridden suck. It was nice to have Joe come and take care of me and I can honestly say I've missed him. I am sick of holding grudges. If I held a grudge against everyone that has ever hurt me, I'd probably have.. hmm.. maybe 2 friends?

First day of school tomorrow.. weeee! (kind of)

It's been six days and my stomach still hurts like hell. I hope everything went okay. I'll find out in a week. I was right about taking someone else's medicine.. puking my brains out for a day straight was no fun.

James finds out if he got this job in Hong Kong on Friday. I am going to start stretching now so I can more easily fit in a suitcase. Flights aren't too outrageous and I definitely want to go visit in summer. I need some sort of change of pace! At least planning all of these mini-vacations to Cleveland/Columbus, Vegas, Hong Kong and camping in the Adirondacks will give me something to look forward to at the end of the semester. Hopefully I can make it to Boston, too.

I'm slightly bummed that I'm not even excited at the prospect of dating new people, new personalities, new hearts. I suppose you'd call this "me time".

Hmph.

I'm slowly, but surely realizing that I can't expect much from a lot of people. Everyone has their own priorities and I've never tried to be anyone's best friend, but I know I was the best friend to them at certain points when no one was. Just a non-vicious, generalization.. nothing specific or malicious.

I feel really good that I haven't drank in over a week. It's been helping me keep my emotions in check as much as they can be.

3 weeks to go!