One for the road.

I fucking lost it last night. Completely fucking lost it.

My romantic situation with Joe is pretty much expired. I suppose I'm now onto the transitional "get your possessions out of my home and never speak to me again" phase. Sometimes people just cross a line that puts you over the edge, and edge you never want to be teetering on, and he did that. I'm pretty indifferent to the cause. If it's because of alcohol or the Sabres losing or whatever, I don't want to hear it. I have far too much on my plate to be fed even more excuses.

Such a scene was caused in front of my friends. Outrageously rude statements were made in front of some of my favorites. I feel absolutely terrible that I practically ruined Ana's birthday and everyone was either feeling really fucking awkward or scrambling to pick up bits of a wine glass, while I just sheepishly and ashamedly sobbed. I kept repeating to Nick over and over "I want to go home", but I don't have a home. As much as I put up knickknacks and chockys around the apartment, it doesn't feel permanent or maybe it's me that feels temporary.

Nick hates me. Or resents me. I'm not sure which one and I'm not sure which one is worse.

I want to hibernate alone in my room for a really long time. I really don't want to affect people anymore because it just seems to be in a negative manner. I haven't been myself in years.

I am so embarrassed about last night. Rarely do I cause a melee, but for some reason I couldn't control myself. I wish I would have been more drunk so I had a better excuse for my behavior.

If Marley wasn't here I probably would have killed myself. Seriously. He just knows what to do and when to do it, even if it is just laying next to me or putting a paw on my shoulder.