P.S. I will save everyone.

"My love, you can't save everyone. I wish you understood that," a tone of disappointment saturated with flecks of genuine sincerity that only a mother can convey.

Lighting my cigarette, I desperately tried to breathe every ounce of that sincerity in.

"And please quit smoking."

Silence. Reflection? I wasn't even listening at this point.

"Maybe my words of wisdom are falling on deaf ears," she rambled, "but your heart has always been far too large for your body. You worry me."

"Ma, smoking isn't all that bad," I muttered with an exhale, my avoidance blatantly obvious and scattered in second hand smoke throughout the room by the power of my stand up fan.

My mother sounded like a TRUTH ad, and oh how those ads rile me up.

"Fair enough.. I guess it must have been pretty exciting to see someone smash another person's head with an acoustic guitar. Call your father later, he'll love that story."

"Moral of the story.. I needed to get me some bigger overalls."

.. oh, metaphors.

My mind is racing.

I just saw a boy smash a guitar over man's head at The Pink. And I tried to help. In fact, I dragged him away and slapped him a billion times and yelled. I was yelling for my sister and her dirt bag scumbag husband. I was yelling for the kids in high school that didn't make it and can't make it. I was just yelling at the top of my lungs. I was yelling because I feel so fortunate to have parents that have hugged me a whole lot and still love me no matter what. I feel awful that this boy doesn't have that and has never experienced that. Maybe I gave him that. Part of me hopes so. Part of me knows that he will just continue to jump trains and be crazy and spend 5 more years to add onto his measly 20 in jail. That's life. That's what happens. Fuck, I wish I could control other peoples demons and vices. I can't. I need to realize that. I definitely said I just wanted to throw him in a solitary room, fill it with kittens and puppies, tuck him in with a blanket adorned with a pattern of the state of Kentucky and have him be incubated in love. Then, just maybe I wouldn't be throwing up every day due to nervousness and too big of a heart if that were the case. I'd rather be throwing up over someone else's problems than my own. Because I don't really have any problems of my own, whatsoever.

(I hate that this whole thing happened in front of the bartender, but ya know what.. I wish he didn't hug me so tight and squeeze me like I want to be squeezed because he has a girlfriend and that disgusts me. He kind of angers me in a way that I haven't felt before. A way that is weird because.. I'm a wreck, I get it.. but if I commit to someone, I commit. I don't go looking for validation that I am good looking or have people falling all over me. If he is using me for his own ego, that's rough, that's not right, and I don't think I deserve that).

I never say I need anyone. I have kind of needed a lot of people in the past few days. Maybe I said it? Maybe I hinted? Maybe I should have been more direct. Everyone has their own shit. I just hate that most of the time I am there. I guess I need to be more independent. I hate that I can call Ray and text him and he is there (because we are so shitty to each other), but no one else is. I mean, really, it's kind of awful. I've spent the last few nights with Nick and I like that. I just wish my family was a lot closer. I need to be hugged and someone to tell me they genuinely love me. Not the bullshit love yous that come from bars and Allentown, but something nice.. something that transcends Buffalo. Something that you can just fall apart in, crumble even, and be okay.. or at least know that at some point things will be okay.

I left a boy in my elevator without a goodbye. He's a band boy. He's just making his trek through the continental United States and will forget about me, but he was fucking good looking and charming and great.. but I just feel as though that ship in my life has passed. I don't want to have meaningless times anymore, really. I want substantial. I want great. By the way, I am going on a pseudo date tomorrow with possibly the most substantial guy I have ever met in Buffalo. Yikes. Watch me fuck this one up?

Happy Birthday, Stephanie. You are the love of my life. I love you with my whole heart, and truly. I feel like we are kindred spirits that just get each other no matter what. I will never judge you or have anything rough to say about you because you're pure at heart and a genuine good person. The only bad thing I can say is that I wish you were closer, so much closer to me. You're great and you deserve the best. I hope your celebrations are amazing and fantastic and fabulous.. just like yourself, all of the aforementioned and more. I love you, simply put.

I'm kind of mess. Maybe someone needs to incubate me in a room of puppies and kittens for awhile.

EDIT:

Alright, no more of that. None of it! Ever again!

It's a lesson learned and I'm just thankful that no one said "I told you so", though many are obviously thinking it.

Oh well. There are plenty of fish in the sea and Buffalo, my dears, is a small pond. I will take my big fish love interests elsewhere.

I really feel like I'm nothing. Nothing special, nothing extraordinary, nothing substantial. And I'll never be responsible. I like to say "Whoa.. I spent the last 3 years of my life taking care of someone who was sick with cancer.. give me a good reason why I shouldn't go nuts?" What an excuse. What a bullshit excuse. What a really fucking shitty excuse. Hey, at least I admit to my excuses.. right? hah right.

I will now shower and go to work 3 hours late because I really am full of excuses and absolutely nothing.

I will never dress my children in "crocs".. ever.

Estelle Getty died the other day and I'm kind of really upset about it.

Ryan Adams and Mandy Moore broke up before the 4th of July and I feel like it's a sign. No two people can be in a relationship that perfect. Ohhhh, parallel lives.

I refuse to stop drinking Bloody Mary's. A burning heart and fiery lips are worth it.

Since when did everyone go and get real self-centered? Only more ammunition to fuel my ever continuing "if you're not now, you never were" theory/motion.

My brother blew my mind today. I can't wait until mid/late August for our intense family adventures. I'm lucky to have him in my life.

I am totally my father's daughter. And I love it.

I need to get my act together, but I've got 7.5 years to work on it. I'm okay with that.

I can't organize anything lately.. from my thoughts to my actions to the clothes on my bedroom floor.

"It's like my heart can't be tamed,
I fall in love everyday.. I feel like a fool.
I have to face the truth.. that no one will ever look at me like you do..
Like something worth holding onto."

"Wish you were here."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

In fact, I'm so sorry that I don't even recall what I am sorry for anymore.

..........


I wish people weren't so mean-spirited. More importantly, I wish it didn't rub off on me.