My stomach hurts so fucking bad. I wish they would have given me more pain killers. It's a shame I'm so terrified of taking other people's medicine because something to make me not a scrunched up little ball of pain right now would be awesome.

I really miss Joe. I'm starting to wonder about myself and my inability to forgive or forget or any combination of the two. It would be neat if the premise of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind could really happen. I guess I'd really like for everyone to have no recollection of the mean things said or bad things done. I hate awkwardness. I hate grudges. I hate whispers. (Maybe I should move out of Buffalo?)

For some odd reason I thought school started January 20th. I've been mentally preparing myself for an okay semester. That's all I want out of myself. No Dean's List, no flashy 4.0. Just an okay mediocore completed semester. In reality, school starts January 26th, which just kind of gives me more time to freak out over it.

I really love Nicholas to death. I'm very lucky to have such an understanding, protective, and caring brother. I'm also thankful for Ana and Court. No one likes getting up at 7am, let alone sitting 5 hours in a waiting room, but they didn't complain and made me feel okay about everything. Things aren't so bad.

I'm so broke I think I'm getting a job at FedEx with Nick. Watch out, I'll be a buff package handler in no time.

Ouch ouch ow ouch ow ow.

Wednesday morning I go in for my surgery. Hopefully then I will finally be able to get a good night's sleep without being in absolute pain.

I really can't believe how luck I am to have really, really considerate friends. I would probably go nuts without them.

I've been looking for apartments that allow dogs, I just don't think I can be sane without having a puppy here constantly.

If people only knew or had the decency to ask, maybe then they'd stop talking shit or thinking everything was about them, regarded them, revolved around them, everyone was against them.

It's funny that I've been saying how it's going to take a lot for me to forgive Joe for the horrible things he said (round 2), but in reality.. I'm going to have a hard time forgiving myself for a decision.

I really, genuinely hope 2009 gets better.

I really, genuinely wish I had the ability to dramatize.

Also, I wish I could humbly tell my mom that I want (and possibly need) her to come back next week. I don't know if it's more selfish to not tell her.

I feel like I'm keeping a million secrets.

I don't know what to do.

OH MY GOD.

As if the situation couldn't get anymore dramatic.. what an asshole. Is it weird that I, deep down inside, feel utterly bad for him? It's almost a pity feeling.. or pain in my gut that hurts when I think of the hole(s) he's dug.

Eek. Oh well. It's probably just the new ulcer 2009 gave me and no actual real emotion.

I feel like a lot of people became indifferent to me.. and I can't say I really even hate being under the radar.

I'm not going to Ohio anymore, which really fucking sucks. It would have been nice to just drive drive drive and then fly fly fly away.

I still have Vegas to look forward to in August.

It's weird that I can't bring myself to cry.

Regardless, I'm excited for 2009.

An epic list of resolutions. A bundle of joy little baby. A great family and fantastic friends. Furry critters galore.

And no baggage. Ever.