I feel like an awful person. The funny thing is, I haven't even done anything awful. Or purposefully awful.

I can understand when people are joking and, ya know what, maybe I just can't take criticism well.. but since when do other people think it's okay to kind of pick me apart. Not even pick, but jab and evaluate and come to some sort of conclusion that I'm a little (lot) stand off-ish. That I'm cold and unapproachable. (It's funny, because I used to pride myself on being the opposite of these things.) That I have a hard exterior or a "wall" if you will. (The wall part might be true.) If I had a Starbucks beverage for every time I've heard someone tell me I had a "wall" or "guard" up in the past year, I'd be set for life.

I'm consistently reminded of how I'd like to hibernate alone in my apartment for a good chunk of time.

Breaker of hearts.

Yesterday was one of the best days I've had all year. I shot some targets with high-powered rifles and pistols. I ate some deer tacos. I drank some spiced rum and cider. I drove by my old, memory-filled house. I was in very close proximity to an alligator, a few snakes, a scorpion. I held a tarantula and even embraced a child.

I'll never feel more comfortable than when I am with the people I grew up with.

Which leads me to think, I don't think I'm ready for any type of relationship besides friendship yet.

I wish people just got it. Just GOT me.

I hope I'm just acting like a giant crotch because of this raging cold and not because I really have turned into a bitter, mean spirited, shit talking bitch.. ?

Hm.. oh well.

Hurricane Ike is showing no mercy today. It feels like my windows are going to shatter from the wind. Maybe Ike can blow BuffState away.

Today there was a fire in my apartment complex. All I grabbed was Pete and a pack of smokes. I laid outside on the grass, clutched Pete close to me, smoked a cig and stared at the clouds moving feverishly across the sky. I didn't even think of my possessions slowly catching a blaze, burning, roasting and then turning to ash.. probably because itty bitty pieces of me are scattered about the U.S. in various parts of Buffalo, Columbus, NYC and Boston.

Apparently my sister's friend, Eugene, is going to be on Jerry Springer tomorrow at 3pm. Hah.

Ohhh, life.

Why am I soft in the middle? The rest of my life is so hard.


Lately, I really am at a loss for words. I mean, I could say so much. So much, but with little substance.

I think I'm more into doing.

I could quite possibly be happy. Be happy for me?